Two weeks ago I returned to rugby for the first time since last spring. Sure, I attended a handful of practices last fall, but not enough to really make much of a difference in my life, so I don’t really see that as counting.
I’m excited for this season, but also apprehensive. Rugby, frankly, is both invigorating and terrifying. Because of this, it’s also an exercise in learning how to control myself, how to control my fear and my anxiety, and how to push through it to make myself do things I otherwise would be too afraid to do. I’ve always been pretty good at that, but playing rugby is like getting a masterclass in it.
In the past I have used my experiences with learning how to run more than just sprints as a way to learn that I’m capable of more than I think I am. When I thought I couldn’t run more than 400 meters and a friend showed me that I could, in fact, run 2 miles without stopping, it was a life-changing revelation that made me start questioning all the other things I had thought I couldn’t do. I use rugby in a similar way.
Rugby reminds me of how to look my anxiety in the eye and tell it to fuck off.
When there’s a guy with 100lbs and a solid foot of height on you barreling towards you, it takes every ounce of self control to decide to run into him instead of moving out of his way. I will readily admit that sometimes my anxiety and fear wins out and my brain goes “nope!” at the last minute, but those moments are becoming fewer and farther between, the more I play. I’ve learned how to say to myself “No, you can do this. You have to do this.” And, I’ve begun to learn how to say that to myself not just about the scary dude flying down the field toward me, but also about other things that trigger my anxiety – phone calls to my insurance, difficult conversations with my partner, emails to my boss.
I have always been a pretty big proponent of getting everyone involved in sports no matter their fitness level, because of stuff like this. I feel like sports, when done with teammates who support you and a coach who pushes you in the right ways, can really teach you some pretty fundamental truths about yourself and your abilities, as well as some useful life skills.
Unfortunately, I have to hold back a bit early in this season, because I can’t afford to get injured before our trip to Egypt in early April, but I am very much enjoying getting back out on the pitch, and look forward to being able to really throw myself into things after we get back from our jaunt over to the Middle East.