So, when I first started writing this, I initially wrote it as general advice on being a Good Friend™ to trans people, but I decided that my answers were too colored by my own experiences, so…this is about how to be a good friend to me. Your mileage may vary with other trans people, but it’s as good a point as any to start from. We’re all unique, individual people, so what works for me might not work for someone else. If you’re worried about how to be a good friend to a trans person in your life, for the love of god, just ask them.
- 1. Treat me like a normal person. Because, you know, I’m a normal person (for the most part). The fact that I’m trans has very little effect on pretty much anything you’d likely be doing with me, so just treat me like any of your other friends.
- 2. As a general rule of thumb, don’t ever out me. Let me do that – I have ways of doing it that come off as humorous and so out of left field that people can’t really have a negative reaction, whereas most people who try to explain my situation just end up making everyone involved feel awkward. If there’s someone that you think needs the context – another trans person, or someone with a trans kid or partner, for instance – it’s probably fine, but go ahead and ask me.
- 3. For the love of god, don’t ask me questions about my body, or the physical logistics of being trans, unless I’ve said it’s okay (or unless you’re someone about to get naked with me). Even if it’s just the two of us together, it still comes off as weird, vaguely creepy, and makes me want to make you feel just as uncomfortable by asking a similarly bizarre question like whether your bra chafes your nipples. If you wouldn’t want to be asked a question yourself, don’t ask it of me. The obvious exception is when I have my occasional “Ask Me Anything!”-type sessions, in which case, go right ahead.
- 4. Do take my particular needs and concerns into account. Are we going somewhere with changing rooms or other situations where nudity is a thing? Keep in mind that those spaces can be a little dangerous for me (though not always – I wander around naked all day at Spa World without issue). Likewise, are we going to be in a single-sex environment? If so, be prepared to help me defend my right to be there, because it’s a thing that very well might happen. Don’t be that guy who takes me to a bar that only has urinals.
- 5. Come support me at LGBT events where allies are welcome. Cheer me on while I march in the parade at Pride, root for me and my LGBT teammates at our rugby games, come and donate at fundraisers for LGBT organizations. Seriously, I have a lot of straight friends, and the ones who stand out to me most are the ones who show up to stuff like this.
- 6. If you make a mistake, don’t make a big deal of apologizing. Misgender me? As long as you don’t do it over and over again or in an important situation, just correct yourself next time and move on. Asked a question you probably shouldn’t have, in a mixed audience? Just correct yourself and move on. Don’t get effusive, just act normally.
- 7. Challenge your friends who are transphobic or who “just don’t get” trans stuff. Ask them why they feel that way, or think that way. Make them a little (or a lot) uncomfortable. Call them out, if necessary. Feel free to use me as an example to them.
I’m sure there’s more things I could think of, but those are really the basics. They’re also generally pretty good rules of thumb for most trans folks, but again, we’re all unique people, with different levels of comfort with different things, so just ask. Seriously.
(And if you’re feeling particularly nice, buying me some fried chicken is always a great sign of friendship. Just sayin’.)