In the interests of being able to highlight some of my older writing, as well as preserving significant moments in my life, I’m planning on starting a “From the Archives” feature here in which I repost some of my writing from former blogs. To start us off on an interesting note, I give you this post from the first day after my first dose of testosterone for hormone therapy:
Whoa. That’s me moving my arm.”
This was the first thing to go through my mind on my first morning after taking my first dose of testosterone.
I’ve spent most of my life with a dissociative disorder that my doctors had hypothesized came from my being transgender. I’ve written before about how I’ve felt that it made me a better photographer, a better writer, more observant of the world in general due to spending my entire life feeling like I’m in the director’s seat, watching someone else portray me.
Well, testosterone seems to be having a noticeable effect on that dissociation. I actually feel grounded. I feel, for lack of a more eloquent-sounding word, like me.
To wake up on a random morning and for the first time in your conscious life be acutely aware of the fact that it’s you moving your arm, that your arm doesn’t just happen to be moving…that’s life changing. To suddenly feel connected to your body after a lifetime of feeling like you’re watching an actor use it is the very definition of surreal. It’s great, and it’s hopefully portentous of what’s to come, but it’s decidedly…novel, and I’m still working out just how to process this whole new way of experiencing the world.
The second thought to go through my head was this:
“So this is how you all feel!”
Seriously. So this is how you all catch things, don’t run into door frames, are aware of your body. This is how you actually have an identity that is actually tied to your physical self rather than an ephemeral self-concept. It’s like someone finally turned on the light, and so much more about human behavior suddenly, magically, makes sense to me.
It’s one hell of an epiphany.
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